Pumpkinhead

Pumpkinhead. 1988. Dir. Stan Winston. With Lance Henriksen, Jeff East, John D’Aquino, Kimberly Ross, Joel Hoffman, Cynthia Bain, Kerry Remsen, Florence Schauffler, Brian Bremer, George ‘Buck’ Flower. Screenplay by Mark Patrick Carducci and Gary Gerani, story by Mark Patrick Carducci and Stan Winston & Richard Weinman, based upon a poem by Ed Justin. 

Badness: NOT A BAD MOVIE!!! 

Enjoyment Factor:

Consider, for a moment, the face of Lance Henriksen. It is long and lean, with soul-piercing eyes. This is a face of a man who has seen darkness and terror, and lived through it. Countless casting agents and directors have hired him, in a long and prolific career, in large part due to the expressive and haunting work that he has gotten from this face.

      Lance Henriksen gives one of his best, and one of his most underrated, performances in the 1988 horror film Pumpkinhead. This film is noteworthy for many reasons, but two of them will be mentioned here: it was the feature film directorial debut of special effects legend Stan Winston, and it is the first movie on this website to be featured that is not, actually, a bad movie.

I had watched Pumpkinhead a while back along with a string of legitimately terrible horror movies, and was shocked that I had found an atmospheric, suspenseful motion picture. Sure, the film is clearly influenced by slasher movies, and features many teen-aged characters played by actors of varying quality, but it is an interesting and creepy tale. It is a Southern fried horror tale, expertly acted by Henrikesen. Oh, and the monster is scary.

Henriksen portrays Ed Harley, a simple man who runs a gas station and is raising his young son Billy (played by Matthew Hurley). Early in the film, there is a terrible accident caused by a group of traveling teenagers, and Ed vows vengeance. He winds up, against better judgment, traveling high atop Black Ridge and requesting the help of the local witch, Haggis (Florence Schauffler, well-cast). Haggis has Ed summon the demon known as Pumpkinhead, to kill the teenagers and satisfy Ed’s revenge. Ed reluctantly agrees.

This is a rich and beautiful horror film. Winston has a natural eye for composition, and really makes the most out of his locations. The scenes in the pumpkin patch as Ed digs up ol’ Pumpkinhead are especially affecting.

The movie is an effective mix of the slasher film, which was so popular at the time, and a darker and more brutal type of horror. This was only one of two feature films that great, late Stan Winston directed, the other being the 1990 film A Gnome Named Gnorm, starring Anthony Michael Hall. It’s a shame he didn’t direct more, because he had a singular and unique vision. Check this movie out, for one of Lance Henriksen’s most striking and powerful performances.

 

Jack

Jack. 1996. Dir. Francis Ford Coppola. With Robin Williams, Diane Lane, Brian Kerwin, Jennifer Lopez, Bill Cosby, Fran Drescher, Adam Zolotin, Todd Bosley, Seth Smith, Mario Yedidia, Jer Adrianne Lelliott, Jurnee Smollett, Don Novello, Allan Rich, Keone Young, Michael McKean. 

Badness:

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For someone who loves watching bad movies, there is something compellingly awful about Jack. One of the greatest living American directors making a comedy with one of the biggest comedians of all time? And they chose this project: a story about a ten year old who looks like he’s forty? There is something inherently bizarre regarding the basic plot elements of this film. The fact that its supporting cast includes Diane Lane, Jennifer Lopez and Bill Cosby probably adds to just the sheer weirdness of the project.

Tonally, the movie is a mess. It starts out with wacky credits (always a sign of creative desperation) and a comically over-the-top opening, before settling an almost meditatively slow pace for the rest of the film. It’s like the film’s director, the legendary Francis Ford Coppola, could not decide if he was making a rowdy comedy or a sedate and contemplative study of what it means to be human. The film’s marketing campaigns, which focused on the silliness of the story, further added to audience confusion.

I can imagine the pitch meeting for this movie. “Gee,” a Hollywood Pictures executive with slick-backed hair ponders, “what’s the closest we can make this movie to Big without getting sued”? Another studio big-wig chimes in, “we can have all of the regular little kid movie tropes…but with Robin Williams instead!” And, boy howdy, they did just that.

Watch Robin Williams as a ten year old sleep in his parents’ bed after a nightmare, hang out with other little boys in a tree house and looking at pornographic magazines, play basketball at school, have a crush on his teacher, and other cliches that countless other coming-of-age films have depicted. But, again, this time it’s a child who looks like a fully grown adult. If this sounds creepy and unsettling, that’s because it is. Also unsettling is a scene where Jack’s tutor, played by Bill Cosby, tickles Jack (I don’t know if this was disturbing in 1996 as it is in 2020).

The central problem with Jack, other than the script, is Robin Williams himself. Williams is just not convincing as a ten year old; he doesn’t capture the spirit or energy of a child. The whole performance feels like little comic and dramatic bits strung loosely together. Not to compare the film to Big too much, but in that film, Tom Hanks was entirely convincing as a young boy in an adult body. Williams is not. His work here would rank as one of his worst performances.

This is a tough movie to sit through. It is very slow for most of its run time. Coppola attempts at creating beautiful poetry in his images; he seems to be very taken with using the butterfly as a symbol of Jack’s innocence, for example. Jack is not a worthwhile film by any means, it is probably only for the curious.

 

Mannequin: On the Move

Mannequin: On the Move. 1991. Dir. Stewart Raffill. With Kristy Swanson, William Ragsdale, Meschach Taylor, Terry Kiser, Stuart Pankin, Cynthia Harris, Andrew Hill Newman, Julie Foreman, John Edmondson, Phil Latella, Mark Gray. Screenplay by Edward Rugoff and David Isaacs & Ken Levine and Betsy Israel; based on characters created by Edward Rugoff & Michael Gottlieb.

Badness:

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If there is one film that really did not need a sequel, it would be 1987’s Mannequin. People weren’t clamoring in the streets over that film, begging to see the further adventures of Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall’s characters. But, the movie made money, so they returned to the Mannequin well one more time. Oddly, the only actor who came back was Meschach Taylor, once again playing the entertaining but very offensively stereotypical gay character Hollywood Montrose.

The producers and writers on the project probably realized the wacky reincarnated mannequin babes who fall in love with losers concept was the selling point, so actors could be replaced. This film takes place once again in Philadelphia at the same department store, the now very successful Prince and Company. I was trying to think of how to best sum up the plot, but once again, I think the Internet Movie Database’s summary is very succinct and clear, so I’ll just use that: “A young department store intern falls in love with a female store mannequin who is really a peasant girl fallen under a thousand year spell. She comes to life whenever he removes the cursed necklace from her.” The plot also involves a descendant of the evil sorcerer who cast the curse, and various comic shenanigans.

It’s interesting in these movies how the hero always falls in love with the mannequin before he realizes it’s actually a beautiful woman under a mysterious curse. This film franchise really walks that line between romantic and perverted.

If the original was accused of being ridiculous and too stupid for a major motion picture, well, it looks like Tree of Life compared to the sequel. Mannequin: On the Move feels like a quickly rushed, soulless cash grab; it doesn’t feel like anybody gave anything in this movie a lot of thought. The only actors who seem to even trying are Meschach Taylor as Hollywood Montrose and Terry Kiser as the evil Count Spretzle. The leads, Kristy Swanson and William Ragsdale, are adorable but lifeless. They lack the charisma and chemistry that Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall had in the original. Even the usually reliable Stuart Pankin is wasted as the department store owner.

This movie was rough. It takes quite a bit in a bad film to make me restless, and this one did the trick. In the pantheon of unnecessary sequels, this one is a champion.

Mannequin

Mannequin. 1987. Dir. Michael Gottlieb. With Andrew McCarthy, Kim Cattrall, Estelle Getty, James Spader, G.W. Bailey, Carole Davis, Steve Vinovich, Christopher Maher, Phyllis Newman, Meshach Taylor. Written by Edward Rugoff and Michael Gottlieb. 

Badness:

Enjoyment Factor:

Mannequin gets quite a bit of mileage out of the likability and charm of its two leads, Kim Cattrall and Andrew McCarthy. Their natural chemistry helps make the ridiculousness and goofy energy of this film memorable. This movie is proof that the right actors can make a dumb movie much more entertaining.

Released in that magical year for trash cinema 1987, Mannequin was a hit with audiences, and a target for critics, who hated it. If you are looking for an intelligent romantic comedy, look elsewhere; this ain’t it. Mannequin has all the wit of an eighties sitcom stretched out to feature film length, which is basically what it is. At just about 90 minutes, this thing drags plenty.

But, I still enjoyed it. It is unbelievably over-the-top, but maybe because of that, it works. Along with Working Girl, this is one of the most unrelentingly, aesthetically “80’s” films ever made. I mean, the soundtrack featuring Starship’s Oscar nominated hit song “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now,” Andrew McCarthy, the hairstyles, James Spader, the dated sexual politics; this thing screams “Eighties!!!”

Kim Cattrall plays Egyptian princess Emmy who mysteriously disappears, wanders in spirit form for thousands of years, before she ends up inhabiting a mannequin in Philadelphia, designed by the free-spirit artistic Jonathan, played by Andrew McCarthy.  He winds up working at a failing department store, where he and the relentlessly stereotypical but lovable Hollywood Montrose (played with flair and very little political correctness by Meshach Taylor) end up making the store popular again with their window designs featuring the mannequin.

Of course, the mannequin and Jonathan fall in love, which is kind of weird because Emmy only comes to life for Jonathan, and everyone else thinks Jonathan is a creepy artistic genius who is always making out with a mannequin. The film’s mannequin logic and the rules of Emmy’s magic are very unclear, which is probably not too surprising.

The supporting cast is pretty solid, with Estelle Getty playing the kooky but supportive owner of the department store, James Spader, in glorious nerd mode, as the sniveling bad guy (shockingly), and the great G.W. Bailey as the nasty security guard Felix Maxwell. Carole Davis plays Andrew McCarthy’s ex girlfriend Roxie.

This movie has probably not aged too well in many respects, but as a time capsule to another time, it’s entertainingly awful.

 

Ghost Dad

Ghost Dad. 1990. Dir. Sidney Poitier. With Bill Cosby, Kimberly Russell, Denise Nicholas, Ian Bannen, Christine Ebersole, Barry Corbin, Salim Grant, Brooke Fontaine, Dakin Matthews, Dana Ashbrook, Omar Gooding. Screenplay by Phil Alden Robinson (as “Chris Reese”) and Brent Maddock & S.S. Wilson; Story by Brent Maddock & S.S. Wilson.

Badness:

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After the commercial and critical failure of his previous major motion picture, the amazingly awful Leonard Part 6, Bill Cosby understandably took a bit of a break from the movies, instead hiding out on his hit television program, The Cosby Show. Clearly, Cosby would learn from the mistakes the filmmakers made filming Leonard, and he would choose his next film role more carefully. Maybe he’d even get to work with a trusted friend and colleague, someone like Sidney Poitier. Yeah, the next one is going to be much better.

Three years later, Bill Cosby’s follow-up, Ghost Dad, directed by Poitier, was released. Not too surprisingly, the critics hated it and despite a decent opening weekend, it never really found audiences. Although Cosby went on to two more years of The Cosby Show and several other television programs, and a few supporting roles in some random movies, this was his final starring cinematic role. It was also Poitier’s last film as director.

In Ghost Dad, Bill Cosby plays the widower Elliot Hopper, who is trying to raise his three kids while also providing for them as a businessman. After he dies in a car accident, he must make sure his children will be taken care of, by successfully completing a deal at work by Thursday. If the plot sounds like a sitcom, that’s because it pretty much is.

Ghost Dad fails as a family film because it isn’t approachable to children and it’s really boring in several section and drags plenty. It doesn’t work as a fantasy because it doesn’t follow the rules it establishes for the afterlife; all fantasy films succeed or fail in their presentation of the world of the movie and its rules. It doesn’t work as a comedy because it isn’t funny.

That isn’t to say Cosby isn’t trying here a little harder than he was in Leonard Part 6, but he overacts and overreaches here in ways that make little sense. He also is on auto-pilot for the final half of the film. He’s best in some of the physical comedy bits, such as going to the doctor’s office…as a ghost.

It is strange that most of the plot of the film is Cosby and his kids scheming to fool his boss and co-workers that he isn’t dead. And it gets really weird in the end when his teenage daughter Diane (played by Kimberly Russell) turns into a ghost, and Ghost Dad has to convince her that “Diane, life is all there is.”

I remembered this film vaguely from childhood, and remembered how long the ending was, how it seemed to drag out from here to eternity. I was surprised of how pleasant the first few minutes of the film were, and wondered if I was wrong. It turned out I just had to wait a little. The first act sets up the bonkers second and third acts.

This is a terrible movie. The effects are not very good, although the scene where Cosby comes out of the phone to terrorize Diane’s would-be boyfriend Tony (played by Dana Ashbrook, so very 90’s in style) is great because it’s so awful. Even for fans of bad movies, Ghost Dad is a disappointment.

Red Sonja

Red Sonja. 1985. Dir. Richard Fleischer. With Brigitte Nielsen, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sandahl Bergman, Paul L. Smith, Ernie Reyes Jr., Ronald Lacey, Pat Roach. Written by Clive Exton and George MacDonald Fraser; based on characters created by Robert E. Howard; Red Sonja comic book by Roy Thomas and Barry Windsor-Smith. 

Badness:

Enjoyment Factor:

It’s kind of fascinating that out of all of the films Arnold Schwarzenegger has made, he refers to this one as his worst. I don’t want to disagree with the former Governator, but there is no way that this is worse than The 6th Day ,End of Days, Jingle All the Way, Batman and Robin, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Collateral Damage or Sabotage, to name a few. I would theorize that probably he was tired of making Conan type movies. Red Sonja came out in 1985, and Schwarzenegger had already made two other Conan flicks in the prior 3 years.

In fact, even though his character’s name is Kalidor, he is clearly playing a Conan type, and he was not named Conan in this film for legal reasons. Dino De Laurentiis, the legendary movie producer, whose film company produced Red Sonja, and told Schwarzenegger that he would have no more than a cameo in this film, and then promptly gave him first billing. It is bizarre in a film about Red Sonja to focus so much on this non-Conan barbarian character.

Of course, Red Sonja and Conan the Barbarian are both Robert E. Howard characters, and both obviously exist in the same world. It would make sense to have at least a Conan reference in this film, but, man oh man, do they play up the Conan stuff! The score by Ennio Morricone sounds very similar to Basil Poledouris’ score from Conan the Barbarian. Sandahl Bergman, who played Valeria in Conan the Barbarian, plays the evil Queen Gedren.

I mention the similarities to suggest that Arnold was probably just really tired of the sword and sorcery genre, and was aware that he needed to pivot his filmography if he wanted to stay relevant as an action star. Which he did. Again, it’s strange that Arnold seems to be the focus of this film when, you know, it’s called Red Sonja.

Brigitte Nielsen is probably known more today as a reality television star than as an actress, which I don’t think is really fair, because she does her best in this film. The script is not very good, and for an actress in her debut performance, she does hold her own. In 1985, the critics were not very kind to Nielsen, and she “won” that year’s Razzie for Worst New Star for her performances in Red Sonja and Rocky IV. I don’t think Nielsen’s performance is more wooden than Schwarzenegger’s, who is definitely on auto-pilot in this film.

This is a low-rent version of a familiar story, but it is still very charming. The costumes are beautiful and outrageous (all of the villains are decked out in black and gold, clearly Steelers fans). The sets are cheesy but capture the feeling of one of Howard’s adventure stories. I am a sucker for the 1980’s fantasy film, and it has always been one of my favorite genres. The movie is goofy, but in the best way possible.

I haven’t talked about the plot, because you can probably guess the beats by now. Young girl’s village is massacred by evil Queen, young girl is attacked and left for dead (the sexual assault details are glazed over quickly), young girl is granted magic powers by some ghost/fairy godmother character (this scene is right out of “Cinderella”), and young girl now turns into Red Sonja.

Eventually, Red Sonja meets up with Conan, er, Kalidor, and must fight Evil Queen Gerden to avenge her family, and to get the powerful talisman, that can destroy the world by earthquakes and lightning. She also meets the young Prince Tarn (Ernie Reyes Jr.) and his lackey Falkon (played by cult movie mainstay Paul L. Smith), who are kind of like the C-3PO and R2-D2 characters, as in they are here mostly for comic relief.

The film has some buried sexual repression themes, as Red Sonja is pursued by the very openly by the queen, who lusts after Red Sonja and wants her more as her possession and toy than to kill her. Red Sonja and Conan, uh, Kalidor also seem to really want to knock sandals, and try to find a loophole around their moral codes to do so. This is a running gag.

This is a ridiculous movie, but it works probably because of its ridiculousness. It is bad, but there is pleasure in the pain.

 

 

Wishmaster

 Wishmaster. 1997. Dir. Robert Kurtzman. With Tammy Lauren, Andrew Divoff, Robert Englund, Chris Lemmon, Wendy-Benson Landes, Tony Crane, Jenny O’Hara, Kane Hodder, Tony Todd, Ricco Ross, John Byner, George ‘Buck’ Flower, Gretchen Palmer, Ted Raimi, narrated by Angus Scrimm. Written by Peter Atkins.

Badness:

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Wishmaster is a devious, slyly crafted fable that introduced a new horror film icon to the big screen. Directed by movie effects legend Robert Kurtzman, and featuring lots of bloodily amazing illusions by Kurtzman, Greg Nicotero , Howard Berger and their effects team; Wishmaster is a nineties cult artifact that has aged pretty well. As a fan of all phantasmagoric cinema, I would definitely recommend it.

The whole project has a high horror pedigree. Jacques Haitkin, the cinematographer on the original two Nightmare on Elm Street movies, shot this. The great Harry Manfredini, the Friday the 13th composer, did the music.  The film features cameo performances by genre mainstays like Tony Todd, Kane Hodder, George “Buck” Flower, Tom Savini, Ted Raimi, and Reggie Bannister (speaking of Phantasm, Angus Scrimm narrates the film). Additionally, the film co-stars Freddy Krueger himself, Robert Englund, in a rare non-villainous role. If that’s not enough, Wes Craven himself served as executive producer. All that’s missing is Bruce Campbell.

 Wishmaster tells the story of an evil Djin who has been imprisoned in a magical amulet for centuries. The distinction between a Djin and a genie is explained by folklore professor Wendy Derleth (Jenny O’Hara), who says: “Forget Barbara Eden, forget Robin Williams.” Huh, thanks professor. Through a series of events, the amulet ends up in the possession of auction house worker Alexandra Amberson (played by Tammy Lauren). The Djin is inadvertently released by Alexandra, and most of the movie is the Dijin trying to get to Alex and convince her to ask for three wishes (the prophecy says once the third wish is granted, all of the Djins will take over the world).

Andrew Divoff is terrific as both the Djin and the Djin in human form, and his truly evil performance is a highlight. Divoff went on to reprise the role in the first of three sequels. What’s interesting is that although the Djin is blood-thirsty and has unlimited power, he can only use his magic when someone makes a wish. For instance, a beautiful woman asks to be young and pretty forever, and he turns her into a mannequin.

The special effects and movie make-up are pretty convincing in this film, although some of the computer-generated kills have understandably aged a bit. The film opens and climaxes with parties that devolve into blood-soaked chaos, and the filmmakers have lots of fun with visualizing the destruction.

 Wishmaster is not a great film by any means, but it’s a solid entertainment, and a worthy addition to nineties horror.

 

Last Action Hero

Last Action Hero. 1993. Dir. John McTiernan. With Arnold Schwarzenegger, Austin O’Brien, F. Murray Abraham, Art Carney, Charles Dance, Frank McRae, Tom Noonan, Robert Prosky, Anthony Quinn, Mercedes Ruehl, Ian McKellen, Professor Toru Tanaka, Joan Plowright, Michael V. Gazzo, Danny DeVito (voice). Screenplay by Shane Black & David Arnott, story by Zak Penn & Adam Leff. 

Badness:

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Because filmmaking is a business, sometimes it is unfairly assumed that if a film is a financial failure, that means that the film is not of artistic value. Sometimes that is the case but not always. Last Action Hero was a huge gamble that did not pay off (the Internet Movie Database estimates its budget at eighty-five million dollars). It was panned by critics, and was nominated for several Razzies, including Worst Picture. Time has revealed Last Action Hero to be a well-made blend of satire and action, with a strong performance by Arnold Schwarzenegger at its center (he was nominated for a Razzie for Worst Actor).

     Bad timing was definitely a factor in Last Action Hero‘s failure at the time of its original release. Not only did it come out one week after Jurassic Park, but it’s self-referential and sarcastic tone turned off audiences who were expecting a more standard Arnold Schwarzenegger film. This was three years before Scream, so Last Action Hero‘s knowing understanding of movie tropes and cliches was a little ahead of its time.       

     The story is well known by now: Danny, a young film fanatic played by Austin O’Brien, is given a magic movie ticket that was once Harry Houdini’s, and he is transported into an action movie, featuring the action movie character Jack Slater, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger. The plot device, borrowed from both Sherlock Jr. and The Purple Rose of Cairo, plunges Danny into his dream fantasy world, where he knows all of the rules.

     The first two acts of the film, where Danny and Jack Slater have to team up, are funny and fresh; it works both as comedy and action. The third act, however, where Jack is now in the ‘real world,’ drags a bit, and definitely could have been cut down. It is pretty clear that the film could have benefited from some editing after its disastrous test screening.

     This is a movie that works, though, the more familiar you are with movies. It is a film nerd’s dream, with many great cameo performances (including Sharon Stone, Tina Turner and, in a great bit, Maria Shriver). Schwarzenegger gives, ironically, one of his more layered performances, and is ably assisted by O’Brien, Frank McRae as his scenery chewing police chief, Anthony Quinn as an easily confused gangster and the great Charles Dance as the villainous Benedict. 

     I hadn’t seen Last Action Hero all the way through since the mid-nineties, and I was really impressed by how engaging the film is. It is definitely not perfect, but it is by no means a big-budget bomb, and it deserves a second look.    

Vamp

Vamp. 1986. Dir. Richard Wenk. With Chris Makepeace, Sandy Baron, Robert Rusler, Dedee Pfeiffer, Gedde Watanabe, Billy Drago and Grace Jones. Screenplay by Richard Wenk; Story by Donald P. Borchers & Richard Wenk.

Badness:

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The 1980s horror-comedy is a delicate balance. It must walk that fine line between funny and scary, and few films can make it work. An American Werewolf in London, the original Fright Night and the late eighties satire Society are three of the best examples of horror/comedy hybrids made in the decade of excess that really click.  Most of the other attempts in that ten year span just kind of flounder; Vamp is one of them.

On paper, it should have worked. I mean, “Grace Jones as a vampire stripper,” need I say more? The basic plot, vampire strippers wreck havoc, would be done ten years later in the infinitely superior Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino collaboration From Dusk Till Dawn. One of the key elements that affects this film is its pacing. It is snail slow. The trailer promises a much more interesting film, but, man, this flick drags.

Keith (Chris Makepeace, who plays the normal character in Meatballs and My Bodyguard) and AJ (Robert Rusler, who played the bully in Weird Science who wasn’t Robert Downey Jr.) are college students who desperately join a fraternity. AJ comes up with the scheme that if they bring a stripper to the frat party that night, they will be deemed worthy of joining. They convince a nerdy, rich student Duncan (played by Gedde Watanabe, not forced to do a Long Duk Dong type accent, thankfully) to let them borrow his car. They all pile into the car to drive into the big city to find a stripper.

Now, a few words about the casting. Not to be mean, but Chris Makepeace has all of the personality of a phone book in this role. He is our protagonist, but we do not care about him at all. It’s strange that the wise-talking best friend played by Robert Rusler is much more engaging and charismatic while the hero is a lump. Gedde Watanabe doesn’t have much to do, but at least he doesn’t have to play too much of a stereotype in this role.

After a tense run-in with an albino gang leader named Snow (played by Billy Drago, of all people) and his crew in a diner; the three leads wind up in the aptly named ‘After Dark Club.’ The great Sandy Baron, who played Jack “Take the Pen” Klompus on Seinfeld, is well-cast as Vic, the mysterious master-of-ceremonies in the club. He takes what could have been a one-note character and gives it quite a bit of nuance and humor.

Forty minutes into the film, and the plot is slowly kicking into gear. We meet a cocktail waitress only known as “Amaretto,” who seems to know Keith (played by Dedee Pfeiffer, sister to Michelle, in a thankless performance). One of the set pieces of the film is the introduction of the stripper Katrina (played by Grace Jones in a big, bold, wordless performance). Dressed in an outfit that was apparently inspired by Pris, Daryl Hannah’s character in Blade Runner, Katrina’s “strip tease” is more performance art than anything else; ending in stunned silence followed by applause from the audience. Before too long, AJ has gone backstage to meet Katrina…

Now, there’s an entertaining movie in here somewhere, but it takes too long to get to the “meat” of the story, and the leads aren’t compelling enough to make the journey worth it. One of the reasons that From Dusk Till Dawn worked is that the first half of the film was an exciting crime film before they even got to the vampires. The film’s cinematographer, Elliot Davis, lights just about everything in a pink and green hue, which is nightmarish and effective in some sequences, but it’s a little repetitive that it’s the only two colors used to light just about the entire film. The special effects make-up, crafted by Everett Burrell and his team, is pretty well done, especially Grace Jones’ make-up.

All in all, Vamp is disappointing as a good comedy/horror film, and as a bad movie.

The Visitor

The Visitor. 1979. Dir. Giulio Paradisi (billed as “Michael J. Paradise”). Starring John Huston, Joanne Nail, Mel Ferrer, Glenn Ford, Lance Henriksen, Sam Peckinpah, Shelley Winters, Franco Nero and Paige Conner. Written by Luciano Comici & Robert Mundi, Story by Giulio Paradisi & Ovidio G. Assonitis.

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The Visitor is such a flat-out oddity that, even though it’s a giant mess, it is so profoundly bizarre and so nuts that I have to acknowledge that, as a bad movie, it “works.” Imagine a film that borrows elements from Star Wars, The Omen, Rosemary’s Baby and The Birds, and throws in lots of pseudo-religious mumbo jumbo for good measure. It is, to be sure, “a hodge podge of movies,” as Lance Henriksen states in an interview on one of the blu-ray release’s special features. A crazy stew of cinematic cliches it may indeed be, but it sure makes good bad movie gumbo.

The movie, basically, is about the battle between the forces of Good and Evil. Blonde Jesus Christ (played by Franco Nero, of all people), who runs a school for bald monk children in Heaven, sends down his spiritual warrior Jerzy Colsowicz (John Huston, in full Obi-Wan Kenobi mode) down to earth to save the soul of possessed little girl Katy Collins (Paige Conner). This is where it gets weird, you see, because her mom Barbara (Joanne Nail) is the only woman on Earth who can carry “the spawn of Satan.” Satan’s secret society on earth, then, must make sure Barbara gets pregnant again.

And…this is just the set-up. This film is a virtual assault on the senses, and it feels like the filmmakers decided to make this film as aggressively strange as possible. The cast has a strong degree of Hollywood pedigree with real movie legends John Huston, Shelley Winters, Glenn Ford, Sam Peckinpah and even Mel Ferrer being forced to appear in what is really just another one of those “evil demon kid” movies.  This is probably the only movie where you will see Hollywood icon Glenn Ford being told by a little girl to “f*ck off” and being called a “child molester” (creepily, there are a lot of child molesting jokes in this movie). I guarantee this is the only movie where you’ll see Oscar winner John Huston playing the video game Pong. This is the kind of movie where there’s a three minute scene of the little demon girl ice-skating at the mall, which ends with her throwing a couple of teenage boys through a glass window. 

The movie has some real trippy visual sequences, clearly inspired by Dave Bowman’s strange journey towards the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey. The far-out special effects, especially in the beginning of the film, add to The Visitor‘s uniqueness. The first scene, which has Jerzy squaring off with the demon girl in some metaphysical plane of existence, is like something Alejandro Jodorowsky may have directed. Unfortunately, the entire film is not at this level of weirdness.

That makes the nutty scenes that much more satisfying. In addition to the aforementioned crazy moments, we also get: a shooting at a birthday party, Shelley Winters slapping the shit out of a child, a laser light show and multiple bird attacks. We also get a secret society conspiracy involving a legion of Satanic babies. Oh, and a rare acting appearance by Sam Peckinpah (!) as Barbara’s ex-husband.

The Visitor is ridiculous trash, all the more trashy because the filmmakers clearly take it a little more seriously than it has any right being. It is a hoot. Lance Henriksen sums it up best: “it was so crazy and bad.”