Hell Night

Hell Night. 1981. Dir. Tom DeSimone. With Linda Blair, Vincent Van Patten, Kevin Brophy, Jenny Neumann, Suki Goodwin, Jimmy Sturtevant, Peter Barton. Written by Randy Feldman.

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I love eighties horror movies. It is, I think, a remarkably rich and eclectic variety of titles. I will always a soft spot in my heart for slasher films of this period. If done well, they can be incredibly enjoyable. If done poorly, they can be dull and lifeless. Hell Night, unfortunately, is the latter.

It is a slow and uninteresting entry into this beloved subgenre, and stars Linda Blair, post-Exorcist, trying her very best to emulate Jamie Lee Curtis. She does not succeed. Blair plays Marti, who along with a few other college pledges, most spend the night in an allegedly haunted house. At first, the pledges are pranked into thinking that there really are ghosts. But then, as people are mysteriously murdered, we wonder…

This is not a fun bad movie. It is just bad. It’s dated and hard to really care what happens. The cinematography, by Mac Ahlberg, is more colorful and lush than this film really deserves. Some of the more cheesy effects and slasher moments feel like something out of an episode of Scooby-Doo, Where are You?

Mannequin

Mannequin. 1987. Dir. Michael Gottlieb. With Andrew McCarthy, Kim Cattrall, Estelle Getty, James Spader, G.W. Bailey, Carole Davis, Steve Vinovich, Christopher Maher, Phyllis Newman, Meshach Taylor. Written by Edward Rugoff and Michael Gottlieb. 

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Mannequin gets quite a bit of mileage out of the likability and charm of its two leads, Kim Cattrall and Andrew McCarthy. Their natural chemistry helps make the ridiculousness and goofy energy of this film memorable. This movie is proof that the right actors can make a dumb movie much more entertaining.

Released in that magical year for trash cinema 1987, Mannequin was a hit with audiences, and a target for critics, who hated it. If you are looking for an intelligent romantic comedy, look elsewhere; this ain’t it. Mannequin has all the wit of an eighties sitcom stretched out to feature film length, which is basically what it is. At just about 90 minutes, this thing drags plenty.

But, I still enjoyed it. It is unbelievably over-the-top, but maybe because of that, it works. Along with Working Girl, this is one of the most unrelentingly, aesthetically “80’s” films ever made. I mean, the soundtrack featuring Starship’s Oscar nominated hit song “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now,” Andrew McCarthy, the hairstyles, James Spader, the dated sexual politics; this thing screams “Eighties!!!”

Kim Cattrall plays Egyptian princess Emmy who mysteriously disappears, wanders in spirit form for thousands of years, before she ends up inhabiting a mannequin in Philadelphia, designed by the free-spirit artistic Jonathan, played by Andrew McCarthy.  He winds up working at a failing department store, where he and the relentlessly stereotypical but lovable Hollywood Montrose (played with flair and very little political correctness by Meshach Taylor) end up making the store popular again with their window designs featuring the mannequin.

Of course, the mannequin and Jonathan fall in love, which is kind of weird because Emmy only comes to life for Jonathan, and everyone else thinks Jonathan is a creepy artistic genius who is always making out with a mannequin. The film’s mannequin logic and the rules of Emmy’s magic are very unclear, which is probably not too surprising.

The supporting cast is pretty solid, with Estelle Getty playing the kooky but supportive owner of the department store, James Spader, in glorious nerd mode, as the sniveling bad guy (shockingly), and the great G.W. Bailey as the nasty security guard Felix Maxwell. Carole Davis plays Andrew McCarthy’s ex girlfriend Roxie.

This movie has probably not aged too well in many respects, but as a time capsule to another time, it’s entertainingly awful.

 

The Peanut Butter Solution

The Peanut Butter Solution. 1985. Dir. Michael Rubbo. With Matthew Mackay, Siluck Saysanasy, Alison Darcy, Michael Hogan, Michael Maillot, Helen Hughes, Griffith Brewer, Harry Hill. Written by Vojtech Jasny, Andree Pelletier, Louise Pelletier, Michael Rubbo. 

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If David Lynch ever directed a children’s film, it might look and feel close to Michael Rubbo’s bizarre 1985 feature The Peanut Butter Solution. Unavailable to mainstream audiences for decades, it was recently released on DVD, Blu-Ray and streaming services (as of this writing, if you have an Amazon membership, it’s free on Amazon Prime). I vaguely remembered it, having seen it when I was a child after my grandparents had rented it from the video store. Watching it over thirty years later, I’m kind of surprised that my grandparents let me watch it.

Last week, I wrote about 1987’s The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, another “children’s” film that is strange and unsettling in a way most modern-day family movies simply are not. This is not a criticism, more of an observation, but I can’t think of another movie made for kids that features so prominently both child abduction and the rapidly-growing pubic hair of a minor (I’m not kidding). The supernatural element may be the most normal aspect of The Peanut Butter Solution.

Matthew Mackay plays Michael, a normal Canadian boy living with his artistic father Billy (Michael Hogan) and his sister Suzie (Alison Darcy). His mother is absent for some unexplained reason (although she does return later in the picture, without much commentary on her absence), and Suzie seems to be playing the matriarchal role in the home. Before too long, Michael and his friend Conrad (Siluck Saysanasy) are passing by a creepy abandoned house, and Michael, while exploring the house, sees something so terrifying that all of his hair falls out.

The rest of the film involves helpful ghosts, unhelpful ghosts, a really sinister teacher named The Signor (Michael Maillot), the titular hair remedy, multiple kidnappings and magic paintbrushes. The Peanut Butter Solution is absolutely bananas in its storytelling, and there were many moments that left my mouth agape.

There is a gentle wholesomeness to even the more perverse and problematic pieces of the film. There are lessons to be learned, and metaphorical wounds to be healed. I think it’s this weird balancing act of sweetness and darkness that makes the whole crazy movie work so well. This is, quite simply, a movie that could not be made today.